Life is like a giant see-saw

Saturday 11th March - Bed

I just had a realisation:  I am going about something entirely the wrong way!

Yesterday evening we went to the park.  The kids were playing on a massive see-saw.  Have you seen them?  They look cool....massive...like you stand up rather than sit down.

I was complaining about this see-saw, in that it promised more than I felt it could deliver.

Because of the scale of it, the weight and the momentum required to get it moving, it seemed, to me, to be more effort than it was worth.

In a way I was right, in a way I was wrong.

Achieving true balance can be difficult - especially for a thrill-seeker like me!

I am not a thrill-seeker insomuch as I was stupidly throw myself out of a plane or swim with sharks ~ I'm far too sensitive for such pursuits, but I am in the constant search for pleasure that seems to be integral to my existence.

Take coffee for example.  Where the average person has one cup, I have five.

I still smoke (sorry Mum), when most of the world that has given up.  Not much - one or two in the evening.

I like a drink.  I like staying up late.  I like stuffing myself with chocolate of an evening too.  I spend too much money.  I eat out a lot.  I fill my spare time with loads of 'stuff' - reading, cafe, galleries etc....

Not that any of these things are particularly unusual.  I know we are many...but what I have realised is that is one wants to live this way, unless one is a millionaire, it is bound to have an effect.

Going back to the big see-saw, what I discovered yesterday, is that it could be fun, but it required a lot of effort.

Load the kids up on one side, adults on the other - remove and add people to get the weight distribution right...get it going....then really sit back hard and catch the momentum at just the right time to go back again.  If I was scientifically minded I would add an equation her to illustrate.  But I am not!

So, the bigger the see-saw is, the more you have to do to get the balance right.

What has this got to do with life?

Okay, so lets imagine this huge see-saw again....load it up one side with, lets say 'yang' activities: staying up late, drinking, driving all over the country, eating and eating, coffee-drinking, film-watching, gig-going and working hard.....

One is gonna need to stick a lot of 'yin' on the other side!  Like sleep, gentle exercise, long walks, detox smoothies, spa-sessions, holidays, time in bed writing blogs, meditation, staring into space etc......in order to get anywhere close to competing with the yang adventures.

My mum is always telling me I do too much.

It could be that my health issues are a reflection of this - eczema, heartburn, gum problems and the mysterious thyroid regulation that I seem to no longer be able to do on my own.  And, of course, being overweight.

I promised myself that this year I was going to listen to my body. Ahem.  Here we are 3 months into the year already.  "How's that going Bec?!"  "Not fantastically well, blog, if I'm honest with you..."  I am still around 20 pounds overweight...I am still taking codeine when my migraines hit hard and anti-reflux medication to keep me going!

I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but perhaps it is time for me to wake up and smell the coffee (mmmmm...cofffffeeee!)

If I keep on piling up one side of the see-saw, I am going to have to continue the endless effort trying to get the other side to match up ~ and this in itself can be exhausting!

I need a smaller see-saw, one that can be sat on, a bit less effort to get going!  It's lighter and can't fit as much on it; one end and the other.  It is much more simple.

I am going to try and take a few things off the yang side ~ give the yin a chance.

Give less a go.

Will keep you posted!  Even as I write this I am thinking it might be fun to pop back and try the giant see-saw.  Just one more time!

Making my way through a whole cafetiere while I write this! 

International Women's Day

International Women's Day - 8th March 2017

Today I returned to university with my son.  He was only 1 year old when we left and now, 18 years later, here we are.. but with him in the hot seat.

He has an interview in the Philosophy department - I am so proud of him.  He is so much more grounded than I was at his age.  I was a wreck.  I was feigning independence, trying too hard, too self-conscious and too eager to impress others.

Manchester Uni

I can't help feeling like I wasted those years.  I wanted to be grown-up, but I was so far from being so...I lacked the insight I needed to appreciate how lucky I was - I probably still do.

The emotion I felt walking into the department just now was a surprise.  It was overwhelming.  It reminds me of all my feelings before leaving my divorce.

It seems poignant that on International Women's Day these feelings should rise up to the surface... Here's why:


It was 26 years ago, I was on holiday with my friend.  She was a wild-child and I self-consciously tried to keep up.

We were clubbing and I met a man - much older. I was drinking and flirting.... I was enjoying the attention.  Before I knew it I was back to his place.  I was so naive.


I said no.  I told him I lied.  I wasn't 16 - I was 15 and I didn't want to do it.  But I was too scared to fight or run away.

After, he walked me back to the club, strangely chatting about everyday things.  Not like some monster you might expect.

And, when  got back, my friend shouted at me:  Where have you been?!!  I didn't tell her.  But I was devastated.  Something had died in me.  I kept thinking, 'this is my story now'.  This is my first time.  Forever.


It sounds so cliche, but I thought I had brought it on myself - wearing a short skirt and going back to his.  What was I expecting to happen?  The rebellion had gone too far.  I was ashamed and sorry.

The guilt has never left me, but it has eased over time...I do think my life choices have been directly impacted by that event, including falling pregnant with my boy at uni. Since my search started for balance, and I began to awaken, I have felt some release.  But today I have a sense of regret (again) for the lost years.


I love my son more than anything, of course, I wouldn't be without him, but I do feel bad about bringing him into a fatherless family, then choosing a husband that couldn't really bond.  I just didn't feel good enough for anything more.

But, maybe I have been enough?

Perhaps if that event hadn't happened something else would have instead?

Perhaps it was my destiny?  I mean, without that, what else might have happened?  It's part of my life.

But, it did cause me so much self-doubt. I became occupied with numbing the pain.  I thought I would only be liked if I gave men what they wanted.  I felt ugly and I still felt ashamed.


And, I wanted someone to love and to love me back.  I allowed myself to get pregnant.  It was a distraction I think.  If I had to look after someone else then I would have less time for self-pity and I would be less depressed.


It didn't work like that.  It has taken me years to feel good about myself.

Years of talking, thinking, breaking down,over-achieving, masking.  Years of reading, working, crying, cleaning, writing.  And YEARS of making mistakes.  The biggest mistakes of all being the choices I have made in men.

Many unsuitable partners.  Years of self-flagellation - personified but the suffering I allowed myself to go through in unsuitable relationships.  Working myself to the the point of exhaustion to prove to the world (and ultimately myself) my worthiness - but still not believing it.

And being 'out of character' for so long that I don't know how to be any other way.

I carved out a personality for myself; one that is confident and out-going, assertive, loud...able to sell stuff, manage people and get ahead.  And get things done.

I do feel proud of myself for being able to achieve those things at work...I guess.  And for keeping it largely together.  I was able to get my degree as a single mum with a one year old.  I did work hard and support my family through some pretty hard times.  I stepped up and took care of my step-daughter too.  I was too young and too inexperienced, but I kept my family together for the sake of their young minds - I think.  But also because I didn't know what else to do.

What was I trying to prove?

I'm not blaming all my bad choices on that night.  But that's the problem isn't it.  Is it an excuse?  It's impossible to tell what an alternative life would have looked like....my teenage rebellion had started a year or so before then.  I could have got into all the sticky situations that I found myself in later anyway, despite this event.

But today, in Manchester, wandering around with students everywhere - youth on their side, immersed in education and growth and excited about the world (Yes, I KNOW THIS IS A FANTASY!  But, humour me - I'm an idealist)  I can't help wondering what could have been....if I hadn't met that friend, if I hadn't gone out that night, if I hadn't gone back with him....if I hadn't dressed provocatively.

And, if I had been more content with me, as I was earlier in life ~ bookish, quiet, imaginative and introverted.

But society is not content with those traits is it?  These are largely seen as feminine qualities...and emancipation of women has only just begun. 

We have a long way to go before we can achieve a way of living that is not trying to keep up with the male-dominated status quo.  And, while men are still continuing to take what they want from women, the struggle goes on.

Well, here is my contribution - my son.  I have tried my best.  Yes, he does take me for granted..he leaves dishes out - the usual.

But, I think he respects women.  And he off to study Philosophy - which will open his mind more.  And he respects all human beings - whether male or female.

And, I think, despite my harsh critique of my parenting over the years, and his exposure to my emotional outbursts...he really respects me for being his mum.  That's something to celebrate today, even if i realise there is still so much more to do.

A much younger Dan and me 

And then 18 years later (we seem to like blue a lot!)

Time is a Valuable Resource!

4th March - Vbites - Brighton

It's my last day of being 40.  I am in Brighton - enjoying a date with myself.  I see a tradition in creation; last year I spent the day on my own in Windsor.

And, on my 21st birthday I did the same:  a day in Leeds - some shopping, some lunch in the Victorian quarter...

Doing this helps me to re-group and re-focus my priorities, which re-affirms my search for balance (is if a sign or a coincidence that the yoga studio above this cafe is called 'About Balance'?!)

In Maya Angelou's book 'Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now', 1993, she writes about the benefits of having a day away - catching a train alone somewhere new and exploring.  It's stuck with me ever since.

I read it in my late teens, so for over 20 years it has been one of the nuggets of advice I have carried with me ~ as I get older I want away days more and more!

Maybe this is just because my attention span is wavering? Or is it that work is unfulfilling and age has no choice but to remind me that time is a valuable resource I want to spend wisely?  In my 40th year I have worked this desire.  What a year!

It kicked of with a fundraising party on March 5th - money to go to my chosen charity for the London Marathon, which I was running the following month  - Able Child Africa.

It was amazing.  So great to celebrate with Ron and the kids, the rest of my family and friends, and my lovely work colleagues.  I felt wanted and loved and supported.

But mostly I felt free and alive!  It was almost as if this was the wedding party I never had....but that life was fake, and now, here I was, awakened and alive - allowing myself to be real and true.  It was liberating.

Some party-people!

Then in April we took a trip to Sri Lanka.  How lucky I felt - how wonderful to experience this great, diverse island - now in peace, but still somehow bore the wounds of atrocity that had been revealed in Channel 4's The Killing Fields and of course the tsunami that devastated the south coast.

There, we travelled simply.  I loved hanging out in the cabana with no mod cons and sleeping outside, meeting lovely gentle people and eating really tasty food.

I was training for the London Marathon along Unawatuna beach, and two days after I RAN IT!

Us in Sri Lanka - super chilled!  And me and Tiff marathon-ready!

And the world continued to present me with wonderful opportunities throughout the year:
I spend a fantastic few days with my best mate in Marrakesh....in a riad, up a mountain, and in the Yves St Laurent gardens - an absolute oasis....the stuff of dreams....with wonderful food and conversation.

Me and Tam - it's nice here innit?! ;)

We spent a few sunny days camping near Swanage with other lovely friends - drinking bubbly overlooking the beach was a highlight!  

 Love a bit of camping and champagne by the sea 

And at the end of the summer we travelled to Estepona (which has the most outstanding street art)...staying in a private villa with a pool (and a menagerie of animals, beautiful garden and the best meditation chair and spot EVER!)  For two weeks we entertained family from England and Gibraltar.

Then our camping friends, whom I introduced, tied the knot in September....and two months later WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!  Which is a whole other (good) story all in itself :)

We had Christmas we the lovely Baileys in Portsmouth and then over to my family in the Cotswolds, New Year was in the best place - BED!  And in January we went to Ibiza - where I got a Taijitu tattoo! And, it was also January 1st when my vegan adventure began.

My girl settled in well at her new school and my boy, turned 18 and knuckled down to his A levels.

The only thing that has been truly rocky is been work - specifically my ability to cope with the monotony - despite the freedom it brings.  And my health actually.....I've gained over a stone since this time last year.

So, what's the conclusion?

40 HAS BEEN GREAT! I am VERY lucky.  I am secure in my home, with my family and in my relationship.  I am not gloating.  I hope it doesn't come across that way.  I am truly grateful. 

In the coming year, I strongly believe I must keep moving towards a more ethical way of living.  I would love one day to earn a living doing something that truly nurtures my soul and contributes to the world.

And, I want to be healthy.  Exercise and diet need to remain more consistent.  I want to live well for as long as possible!!

BUT....I am going to get back on that tip on Monday!  The abundance of vegan eats in Brighton has seduced me into two cafes today - once for a 'cheese' burger and chips - at The Loving Hut http://thelevel.lovinghut.co.uk/ (which was amazing) and then later for a gluten-free carrot and orange cake and tea - which I am eating while writing this!  In Vbites http://www.vbites.com/

Super yummy vegan food!

Anyway, tomorrow is another day.  BRING ON 41!  I am ready now..... can't wait to see what you have to offer!

A sunny September day by the Bailey's beach hut in Portsmouth.  Good times!