It's been a while...how are you doing?
I've been absent (from this blog, from myself and from many more around me) I think I still am.....and balance has been impossible to find. I am confused, upset and hate myself all the bloody time. My usual efforts to bring myself up have floundered. Even life coaching sessions haven't worked!
I'm going to come clean with you; I am writing this to try and work out what my problem is in the hope it will spur me on!
I have been meaning to write for ages, but I always find something else to do. I am moving around in a dreamlike state that is more akin to a living nightmare and yet, I have NOTHING to really complain about!
Maybe I should start by getting out of the way the things that are getting me down:
- I keep running out of money - every month. I hate it. I want more. I want my debt paid off so I can leave my job (I think - I am not sure, but I spend a hell of a lot of time thinking about it)
- I hate my job - kind of. I think I like some aspects of it - like working from home - but mostly it makes me feel urgh.
- I am disillusioned by all the cruelty in the world.
- I am fat. I am at my fattest. (Just realising how shallow that is in light of my previous point....which, of course, adds to my self-loathing)
- I have gum disease - I really do feel bad about this. I noticed my teeth are wobbly. It's pretty scary.
- I am worried about the kids - their health and their happiness.
- I keep rowing with my man - usually about his daughter and the approach he adopts with her - it's understandable, given he doesn't live with her full-time - but I want her to nice. I want her to be happy. I want her to be easy to live with and a good influence on my younger daughter. I want us to like each other. Hmmmmm
- I keep being a chegan instead of a vegan. Yes, I said 'chegan' - which basically makes me a vegetarian doesn't it - not a vegan at all. But because I am broke I can't buy any houmous or fake vegan cheese...or expensive vegan chocolate for when I am down...so I keep eating non-vegan things - like mayo or easter eggs (just a bit) - but then the self-loathing gets even worse. Because I am fat and a I broke and i am a cheating vegan - which makes me a hypocrite.
- I haven't been doing my weekly goals set with my life coach. I just don't want to run or do yoga or find an app to control my spending. Aaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh! Yes, you guessed it, more self-loathing.
2 hours later......I nearly went home. I feel a bit rough....tired and heady and a little bit sick to be honest. Is it all in the mind?
I wanted to go home and lie in bed. But what good would that do me? May as well carry on. Keep chipping away at tasks.....dates from school in diary, dentist appt, doctors, work stuff, make a coffee, write a shopping list...when did life get so boring?
Maybe that's why I am an addict - yes, that's right - it's my latest theory. I am an addict - shopping, smoking, eating, drinking - whatever I can do to distract myself from myself - from the yearning I guess. The complexities of life (and doing something 'worthwhile' with it are just too enormous for me a lot of the time) Taking the edge off does wonders. For a short while - that's the problem isn't it. At some point you have to sit in the pain, remember you are dying and deal with it, right?!
Ahhh, but then I think - if I am dying anyway, why limit myself - preserve myself for what? Live in misery (aka...going to bed early, drinking hot water and lemon instead of coffee and doing daily stretches) in order to continue this state of confusion? Make sure I live longer - be old and alone? (But at least I don't have dementia because I gave up red meat....)
But then there are pleasures that can't be taken for granted.....aren't there?
If you read my post on turning 40, you will see I was motivated, driven and excited about life last year - yeah, I had my down days, but I knew what I needed to do. I appreciated life.
Nowadays I am more like a floating amoeba on a murky pond, drifting. I have sparks of inspiration (hence this blog and the goals with the life coach). But mainly I float about kind of waiting for some inspiration, for something to happen.....for me to grab my runners and get motivated to exercise, or to find an answer, a new life...be made redundant from my job!
Recently I have tried or thought about trying:
- Blogging!
- Researching marketing jobs in arts and heritgae
- Checking my finances and coming up with a plan to reduce debt
- Spending time with my girl doing stuff to bring her up to speed at school
- Sorting out a tutor for my boy to help him get the maths grade he wants
- Walking loads and loads - stopping to listen to the birds sing, watch the water in the canal etc etc
- Starting mediating again - keep thinking it's a bit self-indulgent
- Getting into hot yoga (being late and missing it)
- Turning vegan - then chegan
- Going out on my bike
- Gardening - found I love it, but don't have money for compost...
- Getting back into running - even forced myself round a 1/2 marathon
- Logging my food on myfitnessapp (but went over on calories every day - so stopped)
- Looking up courses in art, pottery, creative writing and photography
- Adopting Tate membership
- Going to Brighton Women's festival and visiting vegan restaurants for inspiration
- Joining the labour party - have even considered canvassing
- Visiting the local animal rescue service and volunteering to walk dogs.
- Setting up a vegan catering business. Lol.
- Spending time with wonderful friends and seeing my family
- Listening to audiobooks about all sorts of interesting things
- Watching documentaries and Ted Talks
But still I float about feeling bored and dissatisfied. What is wrong with me?!
Maybe I DO need to do that vision board? (see post 1) But why? It's not like I don't have any ideas - I do. I just don't feel motivated by them, or satisfied for some reason. In a way I wish I didn't have any ideas, then I could relax and be happy...perhaps?
Maybe the moon being in mercury retrograde isn't helping? Perhaps I have to wait until next week.
The thing is, I do have bouts of depression like this. I am a bit mad. I always come out of them. I do always move on. I just want things to be a bit easier. Is that too much to ask? Too selfish? Narcissistic?
What frightens me most is that I have always been like this. Once, when I was at school I heard (or my friend heard) a classmate say "Becca Parker - I just want to get on with my life", so it was obvious to him, even then! Someone who was only an acquaintance.
WHAT HOPE HAVE I GOT!!?
So, tell me folks, what should I do? Give it all up and move to a desert island? Start a revolution? Or should I just book an appointment at the dentist and pour myself a glass of wine...wait for the stars to change maybe?
After all, there is a new moon on its way.....
Let's hope it passes soon.....Hope to see you on the other side.
Max and lavender - gardening helps me escape my thoughts.
P.S. If you are reading this, please leave a comment....I would be so grateful. Thanks!
