Today I returned to university with my son. He was only 1 year old when we left and now, 18 years later, here we are.. but with him in the hot seat.
He has an interview in the Philosophy department - I am so proud of him. He is so much more grounded than I was at his age. I was a wreck. I was feigning independence, trying too hard, too self-conscious and too eager to impress others.
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| Manchester Uni |
I can't help feeling like I wasted those years. I wanted to be grown-up, but I was so far from being so...I lacked the insight I needed to appreciate how lucky I was - I probably still do.
The emotion I felt walking into the department just now was a surprise. It was overwhelming. It reminds me of all my feelings before leaving my divorce.
It seems poignant that on International Women's Day these feelings should rise up to the surface... Here's why:
It was 26 years ago, I was on holiday with my friend. She was a wild-child and I self-consciously tried to keep up.
We were clubbing and I met a man - much older. I was drinking and flirting.... I was enjoying the attention. Before I knew it I was back to his place. I was so naive.
I said no. I told him I lied. I wasn't 16 - I was 15 and I didn't want to do it. But I was too scared to fight or run away.
After, he walked me back to the club, strangely chatting about everyday things. Not like some monster you might expect.
And, when got back, my friend shouted at me: Where have you been?!! I didn't tell her. But I was devastated. Something had died in me. I kept thinking, 'this is my story now'. This is my first time. Forever.
It sounds so cliche, but I thought I had brought it on myself - wearing a short skirt and going back to his. What was I expecting to happen? The rebellion had gone too far. I was ashamed and sorry.
The guilt has never left me, but it has eased over time...I do think my life choices have been directly impacted by that event, including falling pregnant with my boy at uni. Since my search started for balance, and I began to awaken, I have felt some release. But today I have a sense of regret (again) for the lost years.
I love my son more than anything, of course, I wouldn't be without him, but I do feel bad about bringing him into a fatherless family, then choosing a husband that couldn't really bond. I just didn't feel good enough for anything more.
But, maybe I have been enough?
Perhaps if that event hadn't happened something else would have instead?
Perhaps it was my destiny? I mean, without that, what else might have happened? It's part of my life.
But, it did cause me so much self-doubt. I became occupied with numbing the pain. I thought I would only be liked if I gave men what they wanted. I felt ugly and I still felt ashamed.
And, I wanted someone to love and to love me back. I allowed myself to get pregnant. It was a distraction I think. If I had to look after someone else then I would have less time for self-pity and I would be less depressed.
It didn't work like that. It has taken me years to feel good about myself.
Years of talking, thinking, breaking down,over-achieving, masking. Years of reading, working, crying, cleaning, writing. And YEARS of making mistakes. The biggest mistakes of all being the choices I have made in men.
Many unsuitable partners. Years of self-flagellation - personified but the suffering I allowed myself to go through in unsuitable relationships. Working myself to the the point of exhaustion to prove to the world (and ultimately myself) my worthiness - but still not believing it.
And being 'out of character' for so long that I don't know how to be any other way.
I carved out a personality for myself; one that is confident and out-going, assertive, loud...able to sell stuff, manage people and get ahead. And get things done.
I do feel proud of myself for being able to achieve those things at work...I guess. And for keeping it largely together. I was able to get my degree as a single mum with a one year old. I did work hard and support my family through some pretty hard times. I stepped up and took care of my step-daughter too. I was too young and too inexperienced, but I kept my family together for the sake of their young minds - I think. But also because I didn't know what else to do.
What was I trying to prove?
I'm not blaming all my bad choices on that night. But that's the problem isn't it. Is it an excuse? It's impossible to tell what an alternative life would have looked like....my teenage rebellion had started a year or so before then. I could have got into all the sticky situations that I found myself in later anyway, despite this event.
But today, in Manchester, wandering around with students everywhere - youth on their side, immersed in education and growth and excited about the world (Yes, I KNOW THIS IS A FANTASY! But, humour me - I'm an idealist) I can't help wondering what could have been....if I hadn't met that friend, if I hadn't gone out that night, if I hadn't gone back with him....if I hadn't dressed provocatively.
And, if I had been more content with me, as I was earlier in life ~ bookish, quiet, imaginative and introverted.
But society is not content with those traits is it? These are largely seen as feminine qualities...and emancipation of women has only just begun.
We have a long way to go before we can achieve a way of living that is not trying to keep up with the male-dominated status quo. And, while men are still continuing to take what they want from women, the struggle goes on.
Well, here is my contribution - my son. I have tried my best. Yes, he does take me for granted..he leaves dishes out - the usual.
But, I think he respects women. And he off to study Philosophy - which will open his mind more. And he respects all human beings - whether male or female.
And, I think, despite my harsh critique of my parenting over the years, and his exposure to my emotional outbursts...he really respects me for being his mum. That's something to celebrate today, even if i realise there is still so much more to do.
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| A much younger Dan and me |
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| And then 18 years later (we seem to like blue a lot!) |
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