When life gets in the way....

Finding balance can be a challenge when life gets in the way.  

This morning, I wake up to my 6 yr old daughter crying from next door ..."I feel sick!", then the dog starts barking and crying (hearing I am up = dog wants out)....I trudge downstairs half-asleep for sick bowl and to open the back door.

I decide to empty the washing machine.  I end up cleaning out the rubber rim around the door of starburst sweets that I forgot were left in my 18 yr old son's pocket - which he warned me about yesterday having helpfully told me "that jacket didn't need washing anyway...and where have all my socks gone?" (imagine teenage under the breath irritated grumble -voice).

I go to my work mobile so I can text my boss to say I won't be meeting him today, as I am under house-arrest with sick child still and find TWO angry customer emails that have arrived n my inbox overnight and need immediate response....URGENT!

Meanwhile, I have ill child moaning and dog now barking to come back in....

I make daughter some toast to help curb the sickness - she doesn't want it.  So I absent-mindlessly eat it myself! So, that's starting the day with gluten and butter (I am trying to sort out my IBS and under-active thyroid and also not consume ANY animal products for ethical reasons)

Vegan FAIL - feel bad.

The good news is it is 9am - I have the whole day ahead of me - at home.  If sick child can be kept content-ish with TV and activity (currently leaning on top of me colouring while I write this) I can start to wade through the murky waters that make up my work tasks for the day - not to mention the home admin, dog walk, childcare and housework (and I MUST finally register at the doctors) - maybe I can feel like I am doing something worthwhile while at it?

I WILL make an effort to balance the yang start to the day with some yin time.  On dog walk?  In the bath?  While listening to my audiobook?  When cooking?  I am spending time writing this - which is a luxury.  Perhaps I might get really lucky and have time to meditate for 10 mins later?

After all, it is mornings like these (most) when one really needs it.

Ommmm....

Me 'working' from bed with sick child (who is looking incredibly well) leaning into me as if she can't get close enough! 

Where to start?

I have a new pen. It's pink and sparkly and it makes me happy. I am pretty keen on stationery - I love Paperchase more than the next person - I think so anyway....I get very excited when time allows me to browse there.

I love the colours, the art, the memories and the possibilities that can be recorded in frames, diaries, notebooks, scrapbooks etc; the romantic notion of a pen, a fresh page, a place to write and the potential of creating something new, good, beautiful even - just from the act of having a thought and recording it - like that will make it happen.

It worked with my vision board many years ago. Seven to be precise - New Year 2010. I was living with my (then) family at my parents' house. My work-life was in limbo. I had nothing productive to do and I was home-based - awaiting my fate. But, I was motivated, slim, on the verge of my first bout of vegetarianism. I was feeling enlightened.

I can look back and identify a few periods like this: breakthroughs - often preceded by a period pain and suffering- yin and yang (taijitu) - you are often more able to appreciate the pleasure of you first experience the pain.

I wonder if I am on the verge of another breakthrough? I have been building up to this time for ages. Is it the final piece in the puzzle (for now at least....life is always changing).

I dreamt of a new life back then. I made a pictorial record of the things I wanted:


Baby girl ✅
Italy ✅
Home of my own ✅
Love and happiness ✅
Yoga ✅
Money ✅

I manifested it all. I believe this was not due to any divine intervention (undecided on this anyway), but most probably due to the fact that I focused on what I wanted - I clarified it all in my own mind....and slowly I shifted things to make it all happen.  I even ran a marathon for fucks sake!

The challenge now is to decide what I want to happen next.

I spend far too much time on my phone.  I flick through aimlessly, then I take photos, I post them on Insta https://www.instagram.com/becparks1/, I connect with like-minded people on Facebook and I scratch an itch I guess.  I sign a petition and I feel politically active, I share vegan recipes and I feel politically involved. I take arty photos and skate over the surface of my creative yearnings.

I dream of writing, reading (with a pile of notebooks next to me), cooking, collecting, painting, displaying, marching, moving, meditating, connecting, 
REALLY TRULY LIVING.....and then I return to my social media accounts and 
wile away a few more hours of my week (when I could be doing all the above) scraping the tip of the iceberg.

I look up yoga (try to go, but be late or forget my mat) and search for walks, meet ups, exhibitions, shows, amdram, photography courses....I even apply for a job in animal welfare! I watch programmes like 'Escape to the Wild' and I feel inspired by new, alternative ways of living. All of this against a backdrop of sheer utter boredem most of the time. I walk heavy with the weight of responsibility on my shoulders.....and I try to forget about it with a visit to Planet Organic!

I want something different - dramatically so - but where to start? Here? Now?

That is the scariest thought of all, 'where to start' - perhaps it's time for another vision board?