Remembering taijitu

Taijitu - yin and yang; it's the title of this blog and the sign on the side of my thigh.  It is the permanent ink there to remind me. In fact it may even be a year to the day since I had it.  It's my inkaversary!

But how does one find balance?  Even with the tattoo, I still forget. And I forget it's there.  In fact, I don't even see it when I look in the mirror!  Unless I specifically look for it.  Which means it hasn't reminded me anyway - I have reminded myself to look, to find it - 'Ah-ha!', I remember now - I am meant to be finding balance, not rushing at 5000 miles per hour, cramming every minute with stuff and more stuff and more and more and more stuff.

The start of this year has been a tale of two halves.  I started my first period since I miscarried (a lot has happened since I last posted) on 1st January.  The first full moon of the year was imminent.  It was poetic.  I had a new cycle - the moon was full in the sky; it was the 1st January and time to begin anew - look I know, a new moon would have have been more 'new start' but I took the full moon and periods go hand in hand....everything felt perfectly synced.

Also, as much as I was still grieving the loss of my pregnancy, I was encouraged and comforted by the proof of my continuing fertility.  It was time to embrace the new year.

Unfortunately the new year came with some challenges I could really do without:  Work - new role; new responsibilities - stuff to prove and travel to be done..... Home - Ron away for a big chunk of January; girls in a show; kitten to look after - not to mention my new exercise routine to keep up.

Never-mind - I was on a MISSION.  I could do this (think 'Eye of the Tiger intro music - dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dun, dun dun duuunnnnn) - I was going to attack 2018 and demand it gave me everything I dreamed of in return.

Problem in this:  First two weeks - WOO HOO, look at me!  I am swimming, I am running, I am doing yoga in my hotel room! I am flying up and down the M40 with gusto.  I am working late - weekends even, I am slamming down presentations to the wonder of colleagues.  I am a super-fly, super-high, super-woman....and nothing can stop me now.  You just watch me...I can do ANYTHING!  Second two weeks - Oh my God,  I am soooo tired, why did I think I could do all this - what's gonna change anyway?  What do I even want?  OMG the cat peed on the bed again, its 2am and I am scrubbing bicarb of soda on the mattress.  I hate my life, this is tooooo much!  Where is Ronnie anyway? Why isn't he helping me?  What have I done to deserve this?  I hate the M40, I hate men and I can't sleep.  I am still going mind you; still exercising, still getting up in the morning,  but I am that sound on a tape when it starts to go wrong - when the tape all gets curled and mashed-up inside the player - I am less 'Don't Stop Me Now' and more... Gosh, I don't know, anything by Radiohead...I don't even like music right now; it's too bloody irritating and I don't know who I am anymore, don't even know what I like - there is nothing for me in this world.  I also have a very bad cold - cough, cough, cough, cough, cough...

Oh shit.  Now what?

Well, what I did do was meltdown - I don't know any other way.  Ron came back and I let him know exactly what I thought of his job and his travels!  And I tried - I tried to sleep, I tried to eat well and I tried to exercise.  I probably should have spent a day or two in bed...but I didn't.  In fact I was enjoying my new responsibilities at work and I needed to nurture it now to make sure it delivers what I know it can in the rest of the year.

But at the back of my head my mind was calling to me again - you need to write, you need to rest, you need to read.......I just couldn't do it though.....why??

Here I am now.

I am actually able to write because the fog has lifted a little bit and I am inspired to do so.  I am now due on my next period - any moment now.  And this has been the biggest revelation of the year so far...  Perhaps of my adult life to date!!!!  Sounds obvious, but I am not joking I say that I seriously only just realised.....

Wait for it.....drum roll please.......

I am a hormonal being.

Yes, that is it!  I am largely governed by my hormones.  Who would have thought it?  There is not much I can do but accept the highs and lows, work with my changing energy levels and not against what is essentially nature.  I am an animal after all - as are you....

So, since I stopped taking the pill in summer last year I have been tracking my cycle on an app - this is in an attempt to use a natural method of contraception - I know, I know, my pregnancy proves this is not the most reliable.....but we kinda knew that and do want a baby together - albeit not yet, so.....we took a chance.

I digress.  Yup, the app.  Anyway, the fertility friend tracker has been a revelation (a few months were screwed due to pregnancy and miscarriage) but otherwise it is helping me see a pattern emerge.

Pre-ovulation - weeks 1 and 2 - I am Eye of the Tiger and post-ovulation - weeks 3 and 4 I am soooooo Radiohead.

Especially intense is week 2 - I am so happy, so motivated, I can see clearly now the rain has gone (sorry), I can do anything I want to and I love the world with all my heart!  Week 3 it all goes to pot and I wonder why I ever thought things could be different anyway.  As week 4 comes and nears week 1 again my head starts to clear - you'd think it would be super sad PMT time, but for me - no! And week 1 is pretty normal too.  During this time I am able to reflect....my mind is open and I am calm but inspired.  I am able to take rest and I feel as if I know myself again.

So now what?!

Well, I think this newfound knowledge may be the best I have ever acquired.  It remains to be seen, but maybe, if I am more aware of myself and I truly understand my needs I can manage my response to it better.

There is a problem of course.  The world is not geared up for women who work.  We live in a male-dominated society where the finger remains continually on the pulse.  We try to compete in this world of 'go' and it doesn't always do us justice.  Sometimes we just have to press stop.  And the need to stop - week 3 for me in particular - may well coincide with a requirement to perform.  I don't know what the answer to this is yet.  And there may not be an answer to be found.  Things are not going to change overnight.  But, I think I can be kinder to myself, at least, when the fog comes and the house looks dirtier than normal and I feel like it is all just a bit too much (a lot too much if the truth be told).

It's the natural order of things.  It's taijitu in it's rawest form.  Yin and yang - the ebb and flow of life, the need to stop and then go, stop then go, and work with what you've got as much as life allows.

And when I remember to notice my tattoo, I am reminded.  Not only of my own needs, but also those of others. We are all natural beings with our ancient, visceral needs, instincts and desires.  And this reminds me: if you can't be anything else; be kind.

Before I go, just a note on the pregnancy and subsequent loss.  It deserves a post of its own really, but not sure I will ever feel compelled to write it.  Well, it was tough.  Harder than I ever expected.  Pregnancy and me are not ideal bed fellows.  I am very sick and I am very tired and my moods are all over the place.  I had forgotten.  I remembered why I waited 12 years after my first before having another - and then 7 again as soon as week 6 began.  Every single sense is heightened and my hormones are truly in the driving seat.  So the pregnancy was hard for 4 weeks while our baby grew inside me, for me and for Ron.  And I wasn't ready for it.  Starting point was overweight, poor thyroid function and neglected gums.  It was an emotional roller-coaster, higher and faster than I had ever ridden before.  I'm older now too and I think at 41 my body was going 'What?! Really?  You're making me go through this again?'  - I was obsessed too, every little twinge, every hour without sickness was, to me, a sign things weren't right.  I devoured the internet's offerings of reassurance and doubt and I worried too much already what cot I was going to buy, how my birth plan was going to look.  All the while expecting the worst and worrying about the future - if I had done the right thing.

The look on the sonographer's face said it all - what I knew was coming: "I'm sorry, it's not good news".

I don't know if we will ever be blessed with new life between us.  In the meantime, I am so grateful for my children, my step-children, my niece and nephew, my brother, my auntie and uncle, my partner, my parents and my friends.

I am focusing on my health - I've lost 5 pounds already, booked into the hygienist on Monday, taking my supplements and I am using this time to learn about myself, my hormones and I am becoming physically and mentally stronger.

If the time comes again, I promise I will rest.  I will give myself time and I will stay away from the internet chat rooms.  I will try and accept the time as an extended week 3 of my cycle and be kind to myself until the time comes I am back in week 1 again - maybe around month 4?  I will also ban garlic from the house and any cooking of hot food!  Man, those smells!

I have good intentions and that is all I can ask of myself right now.  And it is all we can ever ask of ourselves isn't it?

This Time is My Time

Well hello there blog.  It's been a while...and so much has changed :)

There's me, banging on about making changes (and being utterly miserable with it) for so long...and now I've only gone and done it.  I LEFT MY JOB.  I RESIGNED!  I can't go into the details, but let's just say I'm OK....

Making the changes was by no means easy, but they were essential.  I have always said that people generally don't change things until the pain of not changing is more significant than the pain (or fear) of not changing.  This is exactly what happened with my work.  I had to leave.

So, what now?  I have been off for nearly 3 months and a lot has happened in that time.  First, I ended up in interviews for jobs a distinct step up, in the same industry.  And, I started one.  However, I quickly realised it wasn't for me.  It felt like settling.  And, I am too long in the tooth now to settle.  I hadn't left my steady, reliable, boring job to walk right into another; however well paid.  Once I realised that the politics were the wrong side of friendly, I knew it wasn't for me.  So, I QUIT.  Just like that.  I walked away from a super-well-paid job.  And, I am planning to quit more often.

Because I am worth it! (gosh, I really hate that slogan ;), but it is true....life is indeed short.  I want to be happy, fulfilled and motivated every single day.  Is that too much to ask?  Hehe - probably...  But, I want to be happy and fulfilled enough that I can ride the bad days out better - without feeling like I'm trapped and the my whole life IS A MESS.

This time is my time!

We went to Maderia shortly after I decided to leave my job - it was amazing to have that time to reflect

It's like a gorgeous reflexologist and healer said to me the other day: "You've looked after others and kept things going for years; now it's time for you."  I breathed a massive sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep while she massaged away my worries.

I'm excited.  I've been trying out different things.  I set up my own business and built a website - coachandconsulting.co.uk - which has been fun.  I got myself some work already - I am hoping to gain a few clients to coach- I'd love to branch out into workshops and stuff.  Ultimately, I want to work for myself full-time, but I will have to do some well-paid part-time stuff at the same time for a while, and there's a job or two like this in the pipeline.  Exciting projects too!

The home page of my website - I have done a couple of marketing jobs already :)

I have even been doing a bit of dog sitting...and paid writing! Here's my article for Ethical Surrey: http://ethicalsurrey.com/the-virtual-vegan/

So change then, yeah......it's not been easy.  In fact, it has been quite traumatic.  But, change is absolutely essential for growth.  And I am definitely growing again ~ and I'm happy.  And I'm fine with the uncertainty.  I was completely exhausted - now I am looking forward to the next day....and the next....and enjoying being in the moment too.

I am awakening once again, I am balancing the yin and the yang, and I am so grateful for the new opportunities.

Do you feel stuck too?  If you want someone neutral to talk to and maybe try out a few techniques, please contact me for a free intro sykpe session: 

 http://coachandconsulting.co.uk/contact

With love and gratitude,

Rebecca

Life is like a giant see-saw

Saturday 11th March - Bed

I just had a realisation:  I am going about something entirely the wrong way!

Yesterday evening we went to the park.  The kids were playing on a massive see-saw.  Have you seen them?  They look cool....massive...like you stand up rather than sit down.

I was complaining about this see-saw, in that it promised more than I felt it could deliver.

Because of the scale of it, the weight and the momentum required to get it moving, it seemed, to me, to be more effort than it was worth.

In a way I was right, in a way I was wrong.

Achieving true balance can be difficult - especially for a thrill-seeker like me!

I am not a thrill-seeker insomuch as I was stupidly throw myself out of a plane or swim with sharks ~ I'm far too sensitive for such pursuits, but I am in the constant search for pleasure that seems to be integral to my existence.

Take coffee for example.  Where the average person has one cup, I have five.

I still smoke (sorry Mum), when most of the world that has given up.  Not much - one or two in the evening.

I like a drink.  I like staying up late.  I like stuffing myself with chocolate of an evening too.  I spend too much money.  I eat out a lot.  I fill my spare time with loads of 'stuff' - reading, cafe, galleries etc....

Not that any of these things are particularly unusual.  I know we are many...but what I have realised is that is one wants to live this way, unless one is a millionaire, it is bound to have an effect.

Going back to the big see-saw, what I discovered yesterday, is that it could be fun, but it required a lot of effort.

Load the kids up on one side, adults on the other - remove and add people to get the weight distribution right...get it going....then really sit back hard and catch the momentum at just the right time to go back again.  If I was scientifically minded I would add an equation her to illustrate.  But I am not!

So, the bigger the see-saw is, the more you have to do to get the balance right.

What has this got to do with life?

Okay, so lets imagine this huge see-saw again....load it up one side with, lets say 'yang' activities: staying up late, drinking, driving all over the country, eating and eating, coffee-drinking, film-watching, gig-going and working hard.....

One is gonna need to stick a lot of 'yin' on the other side!  Like sleep, gentle exercise, long walks, detox smoothies, spa-sessions, holidays, time in bed writing blogs, meditation, staring into space etc......in order to get anywhere close to competing with the yang adventures.

My mum is always telling me I do too much.

It could be that my health issues are a reflection of this - eczema, heartburn, gum problems and the mysterious thyroid regulation that I seem to no longer be able to do on my own.  And, of course, being overweight.

I promised myself that this year I was going to listen to my body. Ahem.  Here we are 3 months into the year already.  "How's that going Bec?!"  "Not fantastically well, blog, if I'm honest with you..."  I am still around 20 pounds overweight...I am still taking codeine when my migraines hit hard and anti-reflux medication to keep me going!

I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but perhaps it is time for me to wake up and smell the coffee (mmmmm...cofffffeeee!)

If I keep on piling up one side of the see-saw, I am going to have to continue the endless effort trying to get the other side to match up ~ and this in itself can be exhausting!

I need a smaller see-saw, one that can be sat on, a bit less effort to get going!  It's lighter and can't fit as much on it; one end and the other.  It is much more simple.

I am going to try and take a few things off the yang side ~ give the yin a chance.

Give less a go.

Will keep you posted!  Even as I write this I am thinking it might be fun to pop back and try the giant see-saw.  Just one more time!

Making my way through a whole cafetiere while I write this! 

Time is a Valuable Resource!

4th March - Vbites - Brighton

It's my last day of being 40.  I am in Brighton - enjoying a date with myself.  I see a tradition in creation; last year I spent the day on my own in Windsor.

And, on my 21st birthday I did the same:  a day in Leeds - some shopping, some lunch in the Victorian quarter...

Doing this helps me to re-group and re-focus my priorities, which re-affirms my search for balance (is if a sign or a coincidence that the yoga studio above this cafe is called 'About Balance'?!)

In Maya Angelou's book 'Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now', 1993, she writes about the benefits of having a day away - catching a train alone somewhere new and exploring.  It's stuck with me ever since.

I read it in my late teens, so for over 20 years it has been one of the nuggets of advice I have carried with me ~ as I get older I want away days more and more!

Maybe this is just because my attention span is wavering? Or is it that work is unfulfilling and age has no choice but to remind me that time is a valuable resource I want to spend wisely?  In my 40th year I have worked this desire.  What a year!

It kicked of with a fundraising party on March 5th - money to go to my chosen charity for the London Marathon, which I was running the following month  - Able Child Africa.

It was amazing.  So great to celebrate with Ron and the kids, the rest of my family and friends, and my lovely work colleagues.  I felt wanted and loved and supported.

But mostly I felt free and alive!  It was almost as if this was the wedding party I never had....but that life was fake, and now, here I was, awakened and alive - allowing myself to be real and true.  It was liberating.

Some party-people!

Then in April we took a trip to Sri Lanka.  How lucky I felt - how wonderful to experience this great, diverse island - now in peace, but still somehow bore the wounds of atrocity that had been revealed in Channel 4's The Killing Fields and of course the tsunami that devastated the south coast.

There, we travelled simply.  I loved hanging out in the cabana with no mod cons and sleeping outside, meeting lovely gentle people and eating really tasty food.

I was training for the London Marathon along Unawatuna beach, and two days after I RAN IT!

Us in Sri Lanka - super chilled!  And me and Tiff marathon-ready!

And the world continued to present me with wonderful opportunities throughout the year:
I spend a fantastic few days with my best mate in Marrakesh....in a riad, up a mountain, and in the Yves St Laurent gardens - an absolute oasis....the stuff of dreams....with wonderful food and conversation.

Me and Tam - it's nice here innit?! ;)

We spent a few sunny days camping near Swanage with other lovely friends - drinking bubbly overlooking the beach was a highlight!  

 Love a bit of camping and champagne by the sea 

And at the end of the summer we travelled to Estepona (which has the most outstanding street art)...staying in a private villa with a pool (and a menagerie of animals, beautiful garden and the best meditation chair and spot EVER!)  For two weeks we entertained family from England and Gibraltar.

Then our camping friends, whom I introduced, tied the knot in September....and two months later WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!  Which is a whole other (good) story all in itself :)

We had Christmas we the lovely Baileys in Portsmouth and then over to my family in the Cotswolds, New Year was in the best place - BED!  And in January we went to Ibiza - where I got a Taijitu tattoo! And, it was also January 1st when my vegan adventure began.

My girl settled in well at her new school and my boy, turned 18 and knuckled down to his A levels.

The only thing that has been truly rocky is been work - specifically my ability to cope with the monotony - despite the freedom it brings.  And my health actually.....I've gained over a stone since this time last year.

So, what's the conclusion?

40 HAS BEEN GREAT! I am VERY lucky.  I am secure in my home, with my family and in my relationship.  I am not gloating.  I hope it doesn't come across that way.  I am truly grateful. 

In the coming year, I strongly believe I must keep moving towards a more ethical way of living.  I would love one day to earn a living doing something that truly nurtures my soul and contributes to the world.

And, I want to be healthy.  Exercise and diet need to remain more consistent.  I want to live well for as long as possible!!

BUT....I am going to get back on that tip on Monday!  The abundance of vegan eats in Brighton has seduced me into two cafes today - once for a 'cheese' burger and chips - at The Loving Hut http://thelevel.lovinghut.co.uk/ (which was amazing) and then later for a gluten-free carrot and orange cake and tea - which I am eating while writing this!  In Vbites http://www.vbites.com/

Super yummy vegan food!

Anyway, tomorrow is another day.  BRING ON 41!  I am ready now..... can't wait to see what you have to offer!

A sunny September day by the Bailey's beach hut in Portsmouth.  Good times!

When life gets in the way....

Finding balance can be a challenge when life gets in the way.  

This morning, I wake up to my 6 yr old daughter crying from next door ..."I feel sick!", then the dog starts barking and crying (hearing I am up = dog wants out)....I trudge downstairs half-asleep for sick bowl and to open the back door.

I decide to empty the washing machine.  I end up cleaning out the rubber rim around the door of starburst sweets that I forgot were left in my 18 yr old son's pocket - which he warned me about yesterday having helpfully told me "that jacket didn't need washing anyway...and where have all my socks gone?" (imagine teenage under the breath irritated grumble -voice).

I go to my work mobile so I can text my boss to say I won't be meeting him today, as I am under house-arrest with sick child still and find TWO angry customer emails that have arrived n my inbox overnight and need immediate response....URGENT!

Meanwhile, I have ill child moaning and dog now barking to come back in....

I make daughter some toast to help curb the sickness - she doesn't want it.  So I absent-mindlessly eat it myself! So, that's starting the day with gluten and butter (I am trying to sort out my IBS and under-active thyroid and also not consume ANY animal products for ethical reasons)

Vegan FAIL - feel bad.

The good news is it is 9am - I have the whole day ahead of me - at home.  If sick child can be kept content-ish with TV and activity (currently leaning on top of me colouring while I write this) I can start to wade through the murky waters that make up my work tasks for the day - not to mention the home admin, dog walk, childcare and housework (and I MUST finally register at the doctors) - maybe I can feel like I am doing something worthwhile while at it?

I WILL make an effort to balance the yang start to the day with some yin time.  On dog walk?  In the bath?  While listening to my audiobook?  When cooking?  I am spending time writing this - which is a luxury.  Perhaps I might get really lucky and have time to meditate for 10 mins later?

After all, it is mornings like these (most) when one really needs it.

Ommmm....

Me 'working' from bed with sick child (who is looking incredibly well) leaning into me as if she can't get close enough! 

Where to start?

I have a new pen. It's pink and sparkly and it makes me happy. I am pretty keen on stationery - I love Paperchase more than the next person - I think so anyway....I get very excited when time allows me to browse there.

I love the colours, the art, the memories and the possibilities that can be recorded in frames, diaries, notebooks, scrapbooks etc; the romantic notion of a pen, a fresh page, a place to write and the potential of creating something new, good, beautiful even - just from the act of having a thought and recording it - like that will make it happen.

It worked with my vision board many years ago. Seven to be precise - New Year 2010. I was living with my (then) family at my parents' house. My work-life was in limbo. I had nothing productive to do and I was home-based - awaiting my fate. But, I was motivated, slim, on the verge of my first bout of vegetarianism. I was feeling enlightened.

I can look back and identify a few periods like this: breakthroughs - often preceded by a period pain and suffering- yin and yang (taijitu) - you are often more able to appreciate the pleasure of you first experience the pain.

I wonder if I am on the verge of another breakthrough? I have been building up to this time for ages. Is it the final piece in the puzzle (for now at least....life is always changing).

I dreamt of a new life back then. I made a pictorial record of the things I wanted:


Baby girl ✅
Italy ✅
Home of my own ✅
Love and happiness ✅
Yoga ✅
Money ✅

I manifested it all. I believe this was not due to any divine intervention (undecided on this anyway), but most probably due to the fact that I focused on what I wanted - I clarified it all in my own mind....and slowly I shifted things to make it all happen.  I even ran a marathon for fucks sake!

The challenge now is to decide what I want to happen next.

I spend far too much time on my phone.  I flick through aimlessly, then I take photos, I post them on Insta https://www.instagram.com/becparks1/, I connect with like-minded people on Facebook and I scratch an itch I guess.  I sign a petition and I feel politically active, I share vegan recipes and I feel politically involved. I take arty photos and skate over the surface of my creative yearnings.

I dream of writing, reading (with a pile of notebooks next to me), cooking, collecting, painting, displaying, marching, moving, meditating, connecting, 
REALLY TRULY LIVING.....and then I return to my social media accounts and 
wile away a few more hours of my week (when I could be doing all the above) scraping the tip of the iceberg.

I look up yoga (try to go, but be late or forget my mat) and search for walks, meet ups, exhibitions, shows, amdram, photography courses....I even apply for a job in animal welfare! I watch programmes like 'Escape to the Wild' and I feel inspired by new, alternative ways of living. All of this against a backdrop of sheer utter boredem most of the time. I walk heavy with the weight of responsibility on my shoulders.....and I try to forget about it with a visit to Planet Organic!

I want something different - dramatically so - but where to start? Here? Now?

That is the scariest thought of all, 'where to start' - perhaps it's time for another vision board?