But how does one find balance? Even with the tattoo, I still forget. And I forget it's there. In fact, I don't even see it when I look in the mirror! Unless I specifically look for it. Which means it hasn't reminded me anyway - I have reminded myself to look, to find it - 'Ah-ha!', I remember now - I am meant to be finding balance, not rushing at 5000 miles per hour, cramming every minute with stuff and more stuff and more and more and more stuff.
The start of this year has been a tale of two halves. I started my first period since I miscarried (a lot has happened since I last posted) on 1st January. The first full moon of the year was imminent. It was poetic. I had a new cycle - the moon was full in the sky; it was the 1st January and time to begin anew - look I know, a new moon would have have been more 'new start' but I took the full moon and periods go hand in hand....everything felt perfectly synced.
Also, as much as I was still grieving the loss of my pregnancy, I was encouraged and comforted by the proof of my continuing fertility. It was time to embrace the new year.
Unfortunately the new year came with some challenges I could really do without: Work - new role; new responsibilities - stuff to prove and travel to be done..... Home - Ron away for a big chunk of January; girls in a show; kitten to look after - not to mention my new exercise routine to keep up.
Never-mind - I was on a MISSION. I could do this (think 'Eye of the Tiger intro music - dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dun, dun dun duuunnnnn) - I was going to attack 2018 and demand it gave me everything I dreamed of in return.
Problem in this: First two weeks - WOO HOO, look at me! I am swimming, I am running, I am doing yoga in my hotel room! I am flying up and down the M40 with gusto. I am working late - weekends even, I am slamming down presentations to the wonder of colleagues. I am a super-fly, super-high, super-woman....and nothing can stop me now. You just watch me...I can do ANYTHING! Second two weeks - Oh my God, I am soooo tired, why did I think I could do all this - what's gonna change anyway? What do I even want? OMG the cat peed on the bed again, its 2am and I am scrubbing bicarb of soda on the mattress. I hate my life, this is tooooo much! Where is Ronnie anyway? Why isn't he helping me? What have I done to deserve this? I hate the M40, I hate men and I can't sleep. I am still going mind you; still exercising, still getting up in the morning, but I am that sound on a tape when it starts to go wrong - when the tape all gets curled and mashed-up inside the player - I am less 'Don't Stop Me Now' and more... Gosh, I don't know, anything by Radiohead...I don't even like music right now; it's too bloody irritating and I don't know who I am anymore, don't even know what I like - there is nothing for me in this world. I also have a very bad cold - cough, cough, cough, cough, cough...
Oh shit. Now what?
Well, what I did do was meltdown - I don't know any other way. Ron came back and I let him know exactly what I thought of his job and his travels! And I tried - I tried to sleep, I tried to eat well and I tried to exercise. I probably should have spent a day or two in bed...but I didn't. In fact I was enjoying my new responsibilities at work and I needed to nurture it now to make sure it delivers what I know it can in the rest of the year.
But at the back of my head my mind was calling to me again - you need to write, you need to rest, you need to read.......I just couldn't do it though.....why??
Here I am now.
I am actually able to write because the fog has lifted a little bit and I am inspired to do so. I am now due on my next period - any moment now. And this has been the biggest revelation of the year so far... Perhaps of my adult life to date!!!! Sounds obvious, but I am not joking I say that I seriously only just realised.....
Wait for it.....drum roll please.......
I am a hormonal being.
Yes, that is it! I am largely governed by my hormones. Who would have thought it? There is not much I can do but accept the highs and lows, work with my changing energy levels and not against what is essentially nature. I am an animal after all - as are you....
So, since I stopped taking the pill in summer last year I have been tracking my cycle on an app - this is in an attempt to use a natural method of contraception - I know, I know, my pregnancy proves this is not the most reliable.....but we kinda knew that and do want a baby together - albeit not yet, so.....we took a chance.
I digress. Yup, the app. Anyway, the fertility friend tracker has been a revelation (a few months were screwed due to pregnancy and miscarriage) but otherwise it is helping me see a pattern emerge.
Pre-ovulation - weeks 1 and 2 - I am Eye of the Tiger and post-ovulation - weeks 3 and 4 I am soooooo Radiohead.
Especially intense is week 2 - I am so happy, so motivated, I can see clearly now the rain has gone (sorry), I can do anything I want to and I love the world with all my heart! Week 3 it all goes to pot and I wonder why I ever thought things could be different anyway. As week 4 comes and nears week 1 again my head starts to clear - you'd think it would be super sad PMT time, but for me - no! And week 1 is pretty normal too. During this time I am able to reflect....my mind is open and I am calm but inspired. I am able to take rest and I feel as if I know myself again.
So now what?!
Well, I think this newfound knowledge may be the best I have ever acquired. It remains to be seen, but maybe, if I am more aware of myself and I truly understand my needs I can manage my response to it better.
There is a problem of course. The world is not geared up for women who work. We live in a male-dominated society where the finger remains continually on the pulse. We try to compete in this world of 'go' and it doesn't always do us justice. Sometimes we just have to press stop. And the need to stop - week 3 for me in particular - may well coincide with a requirement to perform. I don't know what the answer to this is yet. And there may not be an answer to be found. Things are not going to change overnight. But, I think I can be kinder to myself, at least, when the fog comes and the house looks dirtier than normal and I feel like it is all just a bit too much (a lot too much if the truth be told).
It's the natural order of things. It's taijitu in it's rawest form. Yin and yang - the ebb and flow of life, the need to stop and then go, stop then go, and work with what you've got as much as life allows.
And when I remember to notice my tattoo, I am reminded. Not only of my own needs, but also those of others. We are all natural beings with our ancient, visceral needs, instincts and desires. And this reminds me: if you can't be anything else; be kind.
Before I go, just a note on the pregnancy and subsequent loss. It deserves a post of its own really, but not sure I will ever feel compelled to write it. Well, it was tough. Harder than I ever expected. Pregnancy and me are not ideal bed fellows. I am very sick and I am very tired and my moods are all over the place. I had forgotten. I remembered why I waited 12 years after my first before having another - and then 7 again as soon as week 6 began. Every single sense is heightened and my hormones are truly in the driving seat. So the pregnancy was hard for 4 weeks while our baby grew inside me, for me and for Ron. And I wasn't ready for it. Starting point was overweight, poor thyroid function and neglected gums. It was an emotional roller-coaster, higher and faster than I had ever ridden before. I'm older now too and I think at 41 my body was going 'What?! Really? You're making me go through this again?' - I was obsessed too, every little twinge, every hour without sickness was, to me, a sign things weren't right. I devoured the internet's offerings of reassurance and doubt and I worried too much already what cot I was going to buy, how my birth plan was going to look. All the while expecting the worst and worrying about the future - if I had done the right thing.
The look on the sonographer's face said it all - what I knew was coming: "I'm sorry, it's not good news".
I don't know if we will ever be blessed with new life between us. In the meantime, I am so grateful for my children, my step-children, my niece and nephew, my brother, my auntie and uncle, my partner, my parents and my friends.
I am focusing on my health - I've lost 5 pounds already, booked into the hygienist on Monday, taking my supplements and I am using this time to learn about myself, my hormones and I am becoming physically and mentally stronger.
If the time comes again, I promise I will rest. I will give myself time and I will stay away from the internet chat rooms. I will try and accept the time as an extended week 3 of my cycle and be kind to myself until the time comes I am back in week 1 again - maybe around month 4? I will also ban garlic from the house and any cooking of hot food! Man, those smells!
I have good intentions and that is all I can ask of myself right now. And it is all we can ever ask of ourselves isn't it?
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