Where to start?

I have a new pen. It's pink and sparkly and it makes me happy. I am pretty keen on stationery - I love Paperchase more than the next person - I think so anyway....I get very excited when time allows me to browse there.

I love the colours, the art, the memories and the possibilities that can be recorded in frames, diaries, notebooks, scrapbooks etc; the romantic notion of a pen, a fresh page, a place to write and the potential of creating something new, good, beautiful even - just from the act of having a thought and recording it - like that will make it happen.

It worked with my vision board many years ago. Seven to be precise - New Year 2010. I was living with my (then) family at my parents' house. My work-life was in limbo. I had nothing productive to do and I was home-based - awaiting my fate. But, I was motivated, slim, on the verge of my first bout of vegetarianism. I was feeling enlightened.

I can look back and identify a few periods like this: breakthroughs - often preceded by a period pain and suffering- yin and yang (taijitu) - you are often more able to appreciate the pleasure of you first experience the pain.

I wonder if I am on the verge of another breakthrough? I have been building up to this time for ages. Is it the final piece in the puzzle (for now at least....life is always changing).

I dreamt of a new life back then. I made a pictorial record of the things I wanted:


Baby girl ✅
Italy ✅
Home of my own ✅
Love and happiness ✅
Yoga ✅
Money ✅

I manifested it all. I believe this was not due to any divine intervention (undecided on this anyway), but most probably due to the fact that I focused on what I wanted - I clarified it all in my own mind....and slowly I shifted things to make it all happen.  I even ran a marathon for fucks sake!

The challenge now is to decide what I want to happen next.

I spend far too much time on my phone.  I flick through aimlessly, then I take photos, I post them on Insta https://www.instagram.com/becparks1/, I connect with like-minded people on Facebook and I scratch an itch I guess.  I sign a petition and I feel politically active, I share vegan recipes and I feel politically involved. I take arty photos and skate over the surface of my creative yearnings.

I dream of writing, reading (with a pile of notebooks next to me), cooking, collecting, painting, displaying, marching, moving, meditating, connecting, 
REALLY TRULY LIVING.....and then I return to my social media accounts and 
wile away a few more hours of my week (when I could be doing all the above) scraping the tip of the iceberg.

I look up yoga (try to go, but be late or forget my mat) and search for walks, meet ups, exhibitions, shows, amdram, photography courses....I even apply for a job in animal welfare! I watch programmes like 'Escape to the Wild' and I feel inspired by new, alternative ways of living. All of this against a backdrop of sheer utter boredem most of the time. I walk heavy with the weight of responsibility on my shoulders.....and I try to forget about it with a visit to Planet Organic!

I want something different - dramatically so - but where to start? Here? Now?

That is the scariest thought of all, 'where to start' - perhaps it's time for another vision board?