Remembering taijitu

Taijitu - yin and yang; it's the title of this blog and the sign on the side of my thigh.  It is the permanent ink there to remind me. In fact it may even be a year to the day since I had it.  It's my inkaversary!

But how does one find balance?  Even with the tattoo, I still forget. And I forget it's there.  In fact, I don't even see it when I look in the mirror!  Unless I specifically look for it.  Which means it hasn't reminded me anyway - I have reminded myself to look, to find it - 'Ah-ha!', I remember now - I am meant to be finding balance, not rushing at 5000 miles per hour, cramming every minute with stuff and more stuff and more and more and more stuff.

The start of this year has been a tale of two halves.  I started my first period since I miscarried (a lot has happened since I last posted) on 1st January.  The first full moon of the year was imminent.  It was poetic.  I had a new cycle - the moon was full in the sky; it was the 1st January and time to begin anew - look I know, a new moon would have have been more 'new start' but I took the full moon and periods go hand in hand....everything felt perfectly synced.

Also, as much as I was still grieving the loss of my pregnancy, I was encouraged and comforted by the proof of my continuing fertility.  It was time to embrace the new year.

Unfortunately the new year came with some challenges I could really do without:  Work - new role; new responsibilities - stuff to prove and travel to be done..... Home - Ron away for a big chunk of January; girls in a show; kitten to look after - not to mention my new exercise routine to keep up.

Never-mind - I was on a MISSION.  I could do this (think 'Eye of the Tiger intro music - dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dun, dun dun duuunnnnn) - I was going to attack 2018 and demand it gave me everything I dreamed of in return.

Problem in this:  First two weeks - WOO HOO, look at me!  I am swimming, I am running, I am doing yoga in my hotel room! I am flying up and down the M40 with gusto.  I am working late - weekends even, I am slamming down presentations to the wonder of colleagues.  I am a super-fly, super-high, super-woman....and nothing can stop me now.  You just watch me...I can do ANYTHING!  Second two weeks - Oh my God,  I am soooo tired, why did I think I could do all this - what's gonna change anyway?  What do I even want?  OMG the cat peed on the bed again, its 2am and I am scrubbing bicarb of soda on the mattress.  I hate my life, this is tooooo much!  Where is Ronnie anyway? Why isn't he helping me?  What have I done to deserve this?  I hate the M40, I hate men and I can't sleep.  I am still going mind you; still exercising, still getting up in the morning,  but I am that sound on a tape when it starts to go wrong - when the tape all gets curled and mashed-up inside the player - I am less 'Don't Stop Me Now' and more... Gosh, I don't know, anything by Radiohead...I don't even like music right now; it's too bloody irritating and I don't know who I am anymore, don't even know what I like - there is nothing for me in this world.  I also have a very bad cold - cough, cough, cough, cough, cough...

Oh shit.  Now what?

Well, what I did do was meltdown - I don't know any other way.  Ron came back and I let him know exactly what I thought of his job and his travels!  And I tried - I tried to sleep, I tried to eat well and I tried to exercise.  I probably should have spent a day or two in bed...but I didn't.  In fact I was enjoying my new responsibilities at work and I needed to nurture it now to make sure it delivers what I know it can in the rest of the year.

But at the back of my head my mind was calling to me again - you need to write, you need to rest, you need to read.......I just couldn't do it though.....why??

Here I am now.

I am actually able to write because the fog has lifted a little bit and I am inspired to do so.  I am now due on my next period - any moment now.  And this has been the biggest revelation of the year so far...  Perhaps of my adult life to date!!!!  Sounds obvious, but I am not joking I say that I seriously only just realised.....

Wait for it.....drum roll please.......

I am a hormonal being.

Yes, that is it!  I am largely governed by my hormones.  Who would have thought it?  There is not much I can do but accept the highs and lows, work with my changing energy levels and not against what is essentially nature.  I am an animal after all - as are you....

So, since I stopped taking the pill in summer last year I have been tracking my cycle on an app - this is in an attempt to use a natural method of contraception - I know, I know, my pregnancy proves this is not the most reliable.....but we kinda knew that and do want a baby together - albeit not yet, so.....we took a chance.

I digress.  Yup, the app.  Anyway, the fertility friend tracker has been a revelation (a few months were screwed due to pregnancy and miscarriage) but otherwise it is helping me see a pattern emerge.

Pre-ovulation - weeks 1 and 2 - I am Eye of the Tiger and post-ovulation - weeks 3 and 4 I am soooooo Radiohead.

Especially intense is week 2 - I am so happy, so motivated, I can see clearly now the rain has gone (sorry), I can do anything I want to and I love the world with all my heart!  Week 3 it all goes to pot and I wonder why I ever thought things could be different anyway.  As week 4 comes and nears week 1 again my head starts to clear - you'd think it would be super sad PMT time, but for me - no! And week 1 is pretty normal too.  During this time I am able to reflect....my mind is open and I am calm but inspired.  I am able to take rest and I feel as if I know myself again.

So now what?!

Well, I think this newfound knowledge may be the best I have ever acquired.  It remains to be seen, but maybe, if I am more aware of myself and I truly understand my needs I can manage my response to it better.

There is a problem of course.  The world is not geared up for women who work.  We live in a male-dominated society where the finger remains continually on the pulse.  We try to compete in this world of 'go' and it doesn't always do us justice.  Sometimes we just have to press stop.  And the need to stop - week 3 for me in particular - may well coincide with a requirement to perform.  I don't know what the answer to this is yet.  And there may not be an answer to be found.  Things are not going to change overnight.  But, I think I can be kinder to myself, at least, when the fog comes and the house looks dirtier than normal and I feel like it is all just a bit too much (a lot too much if the truth be told).

It's the natural order of things.  It's taijitu in it's rawest form.  Yin and yang - the ebb and flow of life, the need to stop and then go, stop then go, and work with what you've got as much as life allows.

And when I remember to notice my tattoo, I am reminded.  Not only of my own needs, but also those of others. We are all natural beings with our ancient, visceral needs, instincts and desires.  And this reminds me: if you can't be anything else; be kind.

Before I go, just a note on the pregnancy and subsequent loss.  It deserves a post of its own really, but not sure I will ever feel compelled to write it.  Well, it was tough.  Harder than I ever expected.  Pregnancy and me are not ideal bed fellows.  I am very sick and I am very tired and my moods are all over the place.  I had forgotten.  I remembered why I waited 12 years after my first before having another - and then 7 again as soon as week 6 began.  Every single sense is heightened and my hormones are truly in the driving seat.  So the pregnancy was hard for 4 weeks while our baby grew inside me, for me and for Ron.  And I wasn't ready for it.  Starting point was overweight, poor thyroid function and neglected gums.  It was an emotional roller-coaster, higher and faster than I had ever ridden before.  I'm older now too and I think at 41 my body was going 'What?! Really?  You're making me go through this again?'  - I was obsessed too, every little twinge, every hour without sickness was, to me, a sign things weren't right.  I devoured the internet's offerings of reassurance and doubt and I worried too much already what cot I was going to buy, how my birth plan was going to look.  All the while expecting the worst and worrying about the future - if I had done the right thing.

The look on the sonographer's face said it all - what I knew was coming: "I'm sorry, it's not good news".

I don't know if we will ever be blessed with new life between us.  In the meantime, I am so grateful for my children, my step-children, my niece and nephew, my brother, my auntie and uncle, my partner, my parents and my friends.

I am focusing on my health - I've lost 5 pounds already, booked into the hygienist on Monday, taking my supplements and I am using this time to learn about myself, my hormones and I am becoming physically and mentally stronger.

If the time comes again, I promise I will rest.  I will give myself time and I will stay away from the internet chat rooms.  I will try and accept the time as an extended week 3 of my cycle and be kind to myself until the time comes I am back in week 1 again - maybe around month 4?  I will also ban garlic from the house and any cooking of hot food!  Man, those smells!

I have good intentions and that is all I can ask of myself right now.  And it is all we can ever ask of ourselves isn't it?

This Time is My Time

Well hello there blog.  It's been a while...and so much has changed :)

There's me, banging on about making changes (and being utterly miserable with it) for so long...and now I've only gone and done it.  I LEFT MY JOB.  I RESIGNED!  I can't go into the details, but let's just say I'm OK....

Making the changes was by no means easy, but they were essential.  I have always said that people generally don't change things until the pain of not changing is more significant than the pain (or fear) of not changing.  This is exactly what happened with my work.  I had to leave.

So, what now?  I have been off for nearly 3 months and a lot has happened in that time.  First, I ended up in interviews for jobs a distinct step up, in the same industry.  And, I started one.  However, I quickly realised it wasn't for me.  It felt like settling.  And, I am too long in the tooth now to settle.  I hadn't left my steady, reliable, boring job to walk right into another; however well paid.  Once I realised that the politics were the wrong side of friendly, I knew it wasn't for me.  So, I QUIT.  Just like that.  I walked away from a super-well-paid job.  And, I am planning to quit more often.

Because I am worth it! (gosh, I really hate that slogan ;), but it is true....life is indeed short.  I want to be happy, fulfilled and motivated every single day.  Is that too much to ask?  Hehe - probably...  But, I want to be happy and fulfilled enough that I can ride the bad days out better - without feeling like I'm trapped and the my whole life IS A MESS.

This time is my time!

We went to Maderia shortly after I decided to leave my job - it was amazing to have that time to reflect

It's like a gorgeous reflexologist and healer said to me the other day: "You've looked after others and kept things going for years; now it's time for you."  I breathed a massive sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep while she massaged away my worries.

I'm excited.  I've been trying out different things.  I set up my own business and built a website - coachandconsulting.co.uk - which has been fun.  I got myself some work already - I am hoping to gain a few clients to coach- I'd love to branch out into workshops and stuff.  Ultimately, I want to work for myself full-time, but I will have to do some well-paid part-time stuff at the same time for a while, and there's a job or two like this in the pipeline.  Exciting projects too!

The home page of my website - I have done a couple of marketing jobs already :)

I have even been doing a bit of dog sitting...and paid writing! Here's my article for Ethical Surrey: http://ethicalsurrey.com/the-virtual-vegan/

So change then, yeah......it's not been easy.  In fact, it has been quite traumatic.  But, change is absolutely essential for growth.  And I am definitely growing again ~ and I'm happy.  And I'm fine with the uncertainty.  I was completely exhausted - now I am looking forward to the next day....and the next....and enjoying being in the moment too.

I am awakening once again, I am balancing the yin and the yang, and I am so grateful for the new opportunities.

Do you feel stuck too?  If you want someone neutral to talk to and maybe try out a few techniques, please contact me for a free intro sykpe session: 

 http://coachandconsulting.co.uk/contact

With love and gratitude,

Rebecca

WARNING: This post contains misery.

Hello.  

It's been a while...how are you doing?

I've been absent (from this blog, from myself and from many more around me) I think I still am.....and balance has been impossible to find. I am confused, upset and hate myself all the bloody time.  My usual efforts to bring myself up have floundered.  Even life coaching sessions haven't worked!

I'm going to come clean with you; I am writing this to try and work out what my problem is in the hope it will spur me on! 

I have been meaning to write for ages, but I always find something else to do.  I am moving around in a dreamlike state that is more akin to a living nightmare and yet, I have NOTHING to really complain about!

Maybe I should start by getting out of the way the things that are getting me down:

• I keep running out of money - every month.  I hate it.  I want more.  I want my debt paid off so I can leave my job (I think - I am not sure, but I spend a hell of a lot of time thinking about it)
• I hate my job - kind of.  I think I like some aspects of it - like working from home - but mostly it makes me feel urgh.
• I am disillusioned by all the cruelty in the world.
• I am fat.  I am at my fattest.  (Just realising how shallow that is in light of my previous point....which, of course, adds to my self-loathing)
• I have gum disease - I really do feel bad about this.  I noticed my teeth are wobbly.  It's pretty scary.
• I am worried about the kids - their health and their happiness.  
• I keep rowing with my man - usually about his daughter and the approach he adopts with her - it's understandable, given he doesn't live with her full-time - but I want her to nice.  I want her to be happy.  I want her to be easy to live with and a good influence on my younger daughter.  I want us to like each other.  Hmmmmm
• I keep being a chegan instead of a vegan.  Yes, I said 'chegan' - which basically makes me a vegetarian doesn't it - not a vegan at all.  But because I am broke I can't buy any houmous or fake vegan cheese...or expensive vegan chocolate for when I am down...so I keep eating non-vegan things - like mayo or easter eggs (just a bit) - but then the self-loathing gets even worse.  Because I am fat and a I broke and i am a cheating vegan - which makes me a hypocrite.
• I haven't been doing my weekly goals set with my life coach. I just don't want to run or do yoga or find an app to control my spending. Aaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!  Yes, you guessed it, more self-loathing.

2 hours later......I nearly went home.  I feel a bit rough....tired and heady and a little bit sick to be honest.  Is it all in the mind?

I wanted to go home and lie in bed.  But what good would that do me? May as well carry on.  Keep chipping away at tasks.....dates from school in diary, dentist appt, doctors, work stuff, make a coffee, write a shopping list...when did life get so boring?

Maybe that's why I am an addict - yes, that's right - it's my latest theory.  I am an addict - shopping, smoking, eating, drinking - whatever I can do to distract myself from myself - from the yearning I guess.  The complexities of life (and doing something 'worthwhile' with it are just too enormous for me a lot of the time)  Taking the edge off does wonders.  For a short while - that's the problem isn't it.  At some point you have to sit in the pain, remember you are dying and deal with it, right?!

Ahhh, but then I think - if I am dying anyway, why limit myself - preserve myself for what?  Live in misery (aka...going to bed early, drinking hot water and lemon instead of coffee and doing daily stretches) in order to continue this state of confusion? Make sure I live longer - be old and alone?  (But at least I don't have dementia because I gave up red meat....)

But then there are pleasures that can't be taken for granted.....aren't there?

If you read my post on turning 40, you will see I was motivated, driven and excited about life last year - yeah, I had my down days, but I knew what I needed to do.  I appreciated life.

Nowadays I am more like a floating amoeba on a murky pond, drifting.  I have sparks of inspiration (hence this blog and the goals with the life coach). But mainly I float about kind of waiting for some inspiration, for something to happen.....for me to grab my runners and get motivated to exercise, or to find an answer, a new life...be made redundant from my job!

Recently I have tried or thought about trying:

• Blogging!
• Researching marketing jobs in arts and heritgae
• Checking my finances and coming up with a plan to reduce debt
• Spending time with my girl doing stuff to bring her up to speed at school
• Sorting out a tutor for my boy to help him get the maths grade he wants
• Walking loads and loads - stopping to listen to the birds sing, watch the water in the canal etc etc
• Starting mediating again - keep thinking it's a bit self-indulgent
• Getting into hot yoga (being late and missing it)
• Turning vegan - then chegan
• Going out on my bike
• Gardening - found I love it, but don't have money for compost...
• Getting back into running - even forced myself round a 1/2 marathon
• Logging my food on myfitnessapp (but went over on calories every day - so stopped)
• Looking up courses in art, pottery, creative writing and photography 
• Adopting Tate membership 
• Going to Brighton Women's festival and visiting vegan restaurants for inspiration
• Joining the labour party - have even considered canvassing
• Visiting the local animal rescue service and volunteering to walk dogs.
• Setting up a vegan catering business.  Lol.
• Spending time with wonderful friends and seeing my family
• Listening to audiobooks about all sorts of interesting things
• Watching documentaries and Ted Talks

I have even tried working hard for a few days!

But still I float about feeling bored and dissatisfied.  What is wrong with me?!

Maybe I DO need to do that vision board? (see post 1) But why? It's not like I don't have any ideas - I do.  I just don't feel motivated by them, or satisfied for some reason.  In a way I wish I didn't have any ideas, then I could relax and be happy...perhaps?

Maybe the moon being in mercury retrograde isn't helping?  Perhaps I have to wait until next week.

The thing is, I do have bouts of depression like this.  I am a bit mad.  I always come out of them. I do always move on.  I just want things to be a bit easier. Is that too much to ask?  Too selfish?  Narcissistic?

What frightens me most is that I have always been like this.  Once, when I was at school I heard (or my friend heard) a classmate say "Becca Parker - I just want to get on with my life", so it was obvious to him, even then! Someone who was only an acquaintance.

WHAT HOPE HAVE I GOT!!?

So, tell me folks, what should I do?  Give it all up and move to a desert island? Start a revolution?  Or should I just book an appointment at the dentist and pour myself a glass of wine...wait for the stars to change maybe?

After all, there is a new moon on its way..... 

Let's hope it passes soon.....Hope to see you on the other side.

Max and lavender - gardening helps me escape my thoughts.

P.S. If you are reading this, please leave a comment....I would be so grateful. Thanks!

Life is like a giant see-saw

Saturday 11th March - Bed

I just had a realisation:  I am going about something entirely the wrong way!

Yesterday evening we went to the park.  The kids were playing on a massive see-saw.  Have you seen them?  They look cool....massive...like you stand up rather than sit down.

I was complaining about this see-saw, in that it promised more than I felt it could deliver.

Because of the scale of it, the weight and the momentum required to get it moving, it seemed, to me, to be more effort than it was worth.

In a way I was right, in a way I was wrong.

Achieving true balance can be difficult - especially for a thrill-seeker like me!

I am not a thrill-seeker insomuch as I was stupidly throw myself out of a plane or swim with sharks ~ I'm far too sensitive for such pursuits, but I am in the constant search for pleasure that seems to be integral to my existence.

Take coffee for example.  Where the average person has one cup, I have five.

I still smoke (sorry Mum), when most of the world that has given up.  Not much - one or two in the evening.

I like a drink.  I like staying up late.  I like stuffing myself with chocolate of an evening too.  I spend too much money.  I eat out a lot.  I fill my spare time with loads of 'stuff' - reading, cafe, galleries etc....

Not that any of these things are particularly unusual.  I know we are many...but what I have realised is that is one wants to live this way, unless one is a millionaire, it is bound to have an effect.

Going back to the big see-saw, what I discovered yesterday, is that it could be fun, but it required a lot of effort.

Load the kids up on one side, adults on the other - remove and add people to get the weight distribution right...get it going....then really sit back hard and catch the momentum at just the right time to go back again.  If I was scientifically minded I would add an equation her to illustrate.  But I am not!

So, the bigger the see-saw is, the more you have to do to get the balance right.

What has this got to do with life?

Okay, so lets imagine this huge see-saw again....load it up one side with, lets say 'yang' activities: staying up late, drinking, driving all over the country, eating and eating, coffee-drinking, film-watching, gig-going and working hard.....

One is gonna need to stick a lot of 'yin' on the other side!  Like sleep, gentle exercise, long walks, detox smoothies, spa-sessions, holidays, time in bed writing blogs, meditation, staring into space etc......in order to get anywhere close to competing with the yang adventures.

My mum is always telling me I do too much.

It could be that my health issues are a reflection of this - eczema, heartburn, gum problems and the mysterious thyroid regulation that I seem to no longer be able to do on my own.  And, of course, being overweight.

I promised myself that this year I was going to listen to my body. Ahem.  Here we are 3 months into the year already.  "How's that going Bec?!"  "Not fantastically well, blog, if I'm honest with you..."  I am still around 20 pounds overweight...I am still taking codeine when my migraines hit hard and anti-reflux medication to keep me going!

I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but perhaps it is time for me to wake up and smell the coffee (mmmmm...cofffffeeee!)

If I keep on piling up one side of the see-saw, I am going to have to continue the endless effort trying to get the other side to match up ~ and this in itself can be exhausting!

I need a smaller see-saw, one that can be sat on, a bit less effort to get going!  It's lighter and can't fit as much on it; one end and the other.  It is much more simple.

I am going to try and take a few things off the yang side ~ give the yin a chance.

Give less a go.

Will keep you posted!  Even as I write this I am thinking it might be fun to pop back and try the giant see-saw.  Just one more time!

Making my way through a whole cafetiere while I write this! 

International Women's Day

International Women's Day - 8th March 2017

Today I returned to university with my son.  He was only 1 year old when we left and now, 18 years later, here we are.. but with him in the hot seat.

He has an interview in the Philosophy department - I am so proud of him.  He is so much more grounded than I was at his age.  I was a wreck.  I was feigning independence, trying too hard, too self-conscious and too eager to impress others.

Manchester Uni

I can't help feeling like I wasted those years.  I wanted to be grown-up, but I was so far from being so...I lacked the insight I needed to appreciate how lucky I was - I probably still do.

The emotion I felt walking into the department just now was a surprise.  It was overwhelming.  It reminds me of all my feelings before leaving my divorce.

It seems poignant that on International Women's Day these feelings should rise up to the surface... Here's why:


It was 26 years ago, I was on holiday with my friend.  She was a wild-child and I self-consciously tried to keep up.

We were clubbing and I met a man - much older. I was drinking and flirting.... I was enjoying the attention.  Before I knew it I was back to his place.  I was so naive.


I said no.  I told him I lied.  I wasn't 16 - I was 15 and I didn't want to do it.  But I was too scared to fight or run away.

After, he walked me back to the club, strangely chatting about everyday things.  Not like some monster you might expect.

And, when  got back, my friend shouted at me:  Where have you been?!!  I didn't tell her.  But I was devastated.  Something had died in me.  I kept thinking, 'this is my story now'.  This is my first time.  Forever.


It sounds so cliche, but I thought I had brought it on myself - wearing a short skirt and going back to his.  What was I expecting to happen?  The rebellion had gone too far.  I was ashamed and sorry.

The guilt has never left me, but it has eased over time...I do think my life choices have been directly impacted by that event, including falling pregnant with my boy at uni. Since my search started for balance, and I began to awaken, I have felt some release.  But today I have a sense of regret (again) for the lost years.


I love my son more than anything, of course, I wouldn't be without him, but I do feel bad about bringing him into a fatherless family, then choosing a husband that couldn't really bond.  I just didn't feel good enough for anything more.

But, maybe I have been enough?

Perhaps if that event hadn't happened something else would have instead?

Perhaps it was my destiny?  I mean, without that, what else might have happened?  It's part of my life.

But, it did cause me so much self-doubt. I became occupied with numbing the pain.  I thought I would only be liked if I gave men what they wanted.  I felt ugly and I still felt ashamed.


And, I wanted someone to love and to love me back.  I allowed myself to get pregnant.  It was a distraction I think.  If I had to look after someone else then I would have less time for self-pity and I would be less depressed.


It didn't work like that.  It has taken me years to feel good about myself.

Years of talking, thinking, breaking down,over-achieving, masking.  Years of reading, working, crying, cleaning, writing.  And YEARS of making mistakes.  The biggest mistakes of all being the choices I have made in men.

Many unsuitable partners.  Years of self-flagellation - personified but the suffering I allowed myself to go through in unsuitable relationships.  Working myself to the the point of exhaustion to prove to the world (and ultimately myself) my worthiness - but still not believing it.

And being 'out of character' for so long that I don't know how to be any other way.

I carved out a personality for myself; one that is confident and out-going, assertive, loud...able to sell stuff, manage people and get ahead.  And get things done.

I do feel proud of myself for being able to achieve those things at work...I guess.  And for keeping it largely together.  I was able to get my degree as a single mum with a one year old.  I did work hard and support my family through some pretty hard times.  I stepped up and took care of my step-daughter too.  I was too young and too inexperienced, but I kept my family together for the sake of their young minds - I think.  But also because I didn't know what else to do.

What was I trying to prove?

I'm not blaming all my bad choices on that night.  But that's the problem isn't it.  Is it an excuse?  It's impossible to tell what an alternative life would have looked like....my teenage rebellion had started a year or so before then.  I could have got into all the sticky situations that I found myself in later anyway, despite this event.

But today, in Manchester, wandering around with students everywhere - youth on their side, immersed in education and growth and excited about the world (Yes, I KNOW THIS IS A FANTASY!  But, humour me - I'm an idealist)  I can't help wondering what could have been....if I hadn't met that friend, if I hadn't gone out that night, if I hadn't gone back with him....if I hadn't dressed provocatively.

And, if I had been more content with me, as I was earlier in life ~ bookish, quiet, imaginative and introverted.

But society is not content with those traits is it?  These are largely seen as feminine qualities...and emancipation of women has only just begun. 

We have a long way to go before we can achieve a way of living that is not trying to keep up with the male-dominated status quo.  And, while men are still continuing to take what they want from women, the struggle goes on.

Well, here is my contribution - my son.  I have tried my best.  Yes, he does take me for granted..he leaves dishes out - the usual.

But, I think he respects women.  And he off to study Philosophy - which will open his mind more.  And he respects all human beings - whether male or female.

And, I think, despite my harsh critique of my parenting over the years, and his exposure to my emotional outbursts...he really respects me for being his mum.  That's something to celebrate today, even if i realise there is still so much more to do.

A much younger Dan and me 

And then 18 years later (we seem to like blue a lot!)

Time is a Valuable Resource!

4th March - Vbites - Brighton

It's my last day of being 40.  I am in Brighton - enjoying a date with myself.  I see a tradition in creation; last year I spent the day on my own in Windsor.

And, on my 21st birthday I did the same:  a day in Leeds - some shopping, some lunch in the Victorian quarter...

Doing this helps me to re-group and re-focus my priorities, which re-affirms my search for balance (is if a sign or a coincidence that the yoga studio above this cafe is called 'About Balance'?!)

In Maya Angelou's book 'Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now', 1993, she writes about the benefits of having a day away - catching a train alone somewhere new and exploring.  It's stuck with me ever since.

I read it in my late teens, so for over 20 years it has been one of the nuggets of advice I have carried with me ~ as I get older I want away days more and more!

Maybe this is just because my attention span is wavering? Or is it that work is unfulfilling and age has no choice but to remind me that time is a valuable resource I want to spend wisely?  In my 40th year I have worked this desire.  What a year!

It kicked of with a fundraising party on March 5th - money to go to my chosen charity for the London Marathon, which I was running the following month  - Able Child Africa.

It was amazing.  So great to celebrate with Ron and the kids, the rest of my family and friends, and my lovely work colleagues.  I felt wanted and loved and supported.

But mostly I felt free and alive!  It was almost as if this was the wedding party I never had....but that life was fake, and now, here I was, awakened and alive - allowing myself to be real and true.  It was liberating.

Some party-people!

Then in April we took a trip to Sri Lanka.  How lucky I felt - how wonderful to experience this great, diverse island - now in peace, but still somehow bore the wounds of atrocity that had been revealed in Channel 4's The Killing Fields and of course the tsunami that devastated the south coast.

There, we travelled simply.  I loved hanging out in the cabana with no mod cons and sleeping outside, meeting lovely gentle people and eating really tasty food.

I was training for the London Marathon along Unawatuna beach, and two days after I RAN IT!

Us in Sri Lanka - super chilled!  And me and Tiff marathon-ready!

And the world continued to present me with wonderful opportunities throughout the year:
I spend a fantastic few days with my best mate in Marrakesh....in a riad, up a mountain, and in the Yves St Laurent gardens - an absolute oasis....the stuff of dreams....with wonderful food and conversation.

Me and Tam - it's nice here innit?! ;)

We spent a few sunny days camping near Swanage with other lovely friends - drinking bubbly overlooking the beach was a highlight!  

 Love a bit of camping and champagne by the sea 

And at the end of the summer we travelled to Estepona (which has the most outstanding street art)...staying in a private villa with a pool (and a menagerie of animals, beautiful garden and the best meditation chair and spot EVER!)  For two weeks we entertained family from England and Gibraltar.

Then our camping friends, whom I introduced, tied the knot in September....and two months later WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!  Which is a whole other (good) story all in itself :)

We had Christmas we the lovely Baileys in Portsmouth and then over to my family in the Cotswolds, New Year was in the best place - BED!  And in January we went to Ibiza - where I got a Taijitu tattoo! And, it was also January 1st when my vegan adventure began.

My girl settled in well at her new school and my boy, turned 18 and knuckled down to his A levels.

The only thing that has been truly rocky is been work - specifically my ability to cope with the monotony - despite the freedom it brings.  And my health actually.....I've gained over a stone since this time last year.

So, what's the conclusion?

40 HAS BEEN GREAT! I am VERY lucky.  I am secure in my home, with my family and in my relationship.  I am not gloating.  I hope it doesn't come across that way.  I am truly grateful. 

In the coming year, I strongly believe I must keep moving towards a more ethical way of living.  I would love one day to earn a living doing something that truly nurtures my soul and contributes to the world.

And, I want to be healthy.  Exercise and diet need to remain more consistent.  I want to live well for as long as possible!!

BUT....I am going to get back on that tip on Monday!  The abundance of vegan eats in Brighton has seduced me into two cafes today - once for a 'cheese' burger and chips - at The Loving Hut http://thelevel.lovinghut.co.uk/ (which was amazing) and then later for a gluten-free carrot and orange cake and tea - which I am eating while writing this!  In Vbites http://www.vbites.com/

Super yummy vegan food!

Anyway, tomorrow is another day.  BRING ON 41!  I am ready now..... can't wait to see what you have to offer!

A sunny September day by the Bailey's beach hut in Portsmouth.  Good times!

When life gets in the way....

Finding balance can be a challenge when life gets in the way.  

This morning, I wake up to my 6 yr old daughter crying from next door ..."I feel sick!", then the dog starts barking and crying (hearing I am up = dog wants out)....I trudge downstairs half-asleep for sick bowl and to open the back door.

I decide to empty the washing machine.  I end up cleaning out the rubber rim around the door of starburst sweets that I forgot were left in my 18 yr old son's pocket - which he warned me about yesterday having helpfully told me "that jacket didn't need washing anyway...and where have all my socks gone?" (imagine teenage under the breath irritated grumble -voice).

I go to my work mobile so I can text my boss to say I won't be meeting him today, as I am under house-arrest with sick child still and find TWO angry customer emails that have arrived n my inbox overnight and need immediate response....URGENT!

Meanwhile, I have ill child moaning and dog now barking to come back in....

I make daughter some toast to help curb the sickness - she doesn't want it.  So I absent-mindlessly eat it myself! So, that's starting the day with gluten and butter (I am trying to sort out my IBS and under-active thyroid and also not consume ANY animal products for ethical reasons)

Vegan FAIL - feel bad.

The good news is it is 9am - I have the whole day ahead of me - at home.  If sick child can be kept content-ish with TV and activity (currently leaning on top of me colouring while I write this) I can start to wade through the murky waters that make up my work tasks for the day - not to mention the home admin, dog walk, childcare and housework (and I MUST finally register at the doctors) - maybe I can feel like I am doing something worthwhile while at it?

I WILL make an effort to balance the yang start to the day with some yin time.  On dog walk?  In the bath?  While listening to my audiobook?  When cooking?  I am spending time writing this - which is a luxury.  Perhaps I might get really lucky and have time to meditate for 10 mins later?

After all, it is mornings like these (most) when one really needs it.

Ommmm....

Me 'working' from bed with sick child (who is looking incredibly well) leaning into me as if she can't get close enough!